Things are happening which make my in one week departure date feel very real.
For example, today my moderately long list of disembarkation forms were neatly sticky tacked to my door. I also had the opportunity to have a debriefing session with our lovely chaplain, Anne.
At this time next week I won't be sitting in the back of my six berth cabin typing and thinking. I'll be receiving my final views of Liberia through a plane window.
Weird. Great. Exciting. Terrifying. My emotions sometimes waver.
This has been a great year. It has not been perfect. I've been frustrated. I been euphoric. I've felt mistreated. I've felt loved.
To be human.
I'm excited about going home. Healthily excited. I'm excited to see what is next and life feels quite unscripted at the moment, which feels adventurous and mildly terrifying all in one.
But God is always faithful and in Him lies security, regardless of what the future may or may not hold. The faithfulness of God has always been possibly my favorite of His attributes. Truly, He has never forsaken or forgotten me, He has been a strong tower in the midst of chaos, strength in weakness, a friend in the desert of loneliness. And He never changes.
Matthew 28:20
I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.
It is going to take a quite few long days alone in Tyler Park for me to process the experiences I've had here. They have been many. My head is currently spinning as I try to come up with an ending to my newspaper column. To try and find a shiny piece of sand amidst the shore of experience is a bit of a daunting task. At least to me.
I feel quite strongly that I will go through Liberian child withdrawal very shortly. The kids here are so lovely. I have absolutely loved and enjoyed being involved in the patients lives. For all the parts of being here I have not particularly enjoyed, they are tolerable if for no other reason than the work that is being don in the ward is simply amazing. People's lives are being touched and changed in a beautiful way buy the power and grace of God. As I nurse I have literally gotten to be the hands of love that touch the out casted in needy.
I really think touch is so powerful. I am reading through the gospels and love seeing how Jesus so often touched those He ministered too. Touch is soothing. It can convey in a gently powerful way a very endearing type of love. I have loved rubbing the patients backs, holding their hands, kissing their foreheads, and snuggling with the babies. It feels quite caring and nurturing.
As I continue to process, ponder, and mentally transition, I think my head will probably just keep spinning and swirling. Or maybe it won't. I'll just wait and see.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
re-creational recreation
I have been off all weekend. It's been great. My brain has had space to roam.On Friday I purchased a 75 cent frappachino and sat down with the April issue of National Geographic. In the back was a photo of a woman from the 1920's (the middle photo). I love the fashion in the 1920's. It's quite distinct: fun, flirty, feminine, and a bit sassy. I thougt it would be fun to try and recreate this picture when I came home.
Tonight I went out to dinner with some friends. I had worn my patent leather red shoes that my mom sent me (I don't know that I should admit to that, but if you saw how amazing these shoes are you might understand). Perhaps I was feeling inspired by my shoes.
My bunk mate Jen is working nights so I knew I had the room to myself for as long as I wanted to stay awake. I planned on getting a few things done, but instead, I had a photo shoot. This is why I could never do homework in my room at home; I always found something better to do.
My roommate Jen walked into our tiny space in our 6 birth cabin to find my face incredibly painted, scarves magnetically hanging from the ceiling, and a strategically placed tripod. It was borderline ridiculous.
Fortunately for me, Jen just laughed. She is understanding of my distracted brain.
This past year extremely busy and extremely purposeful. There has not been a lot of time for roaring 20's photo shoots.
This past year extremely busy and extremely purposeful. There has not been a lot of time for roaring 20's photo shoots.
It's nice to do something just because you like doing it. I'm looking forward to some non-idle idle time when I come home.
It's fun.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
700 words
I have two articles I need to write. One for the newspaper; One for the nursing magazine.
700 hundred words to sum up a year of experiences. The thought overwhelms me which brings me to current state of procrastination.
Really, I am going to start tomorrow.
I've been slowly disengaging myself here. I stopped writing patient stories. I've been packing my bags. I've been thinking about things. There is a lot to think about.
Tonight I was reading through my blogs from when I first came here. I remember it clearly. Seeing the ship for the first time; walking up the ganging way; sarcastically refusing to have my ID photo taken after spending hours traveling (it was not the loveliest picture).
For the two weeks before I cam I couldn't eat. My GI tract always seem to be the best indicator of how I am really feeling and I was nervous. I had never really lived away from home (home being my parents house). I had never flown across the Atlantic Ocean. I didn't know anyone who was going to be on the ship. Until I heard about Mercy Ships, I had never heard of Liberia.
But I was going. And I was staying. For a year.
And now I am going again. The year has gone.
I have a theory that time is like a rubber band. When we stretch it out, it becomes longer. However, the wider you stretch it the faster it snaps back to it's original state.
I find when my weeks are full and busy, they seem longer. However, time inversely seems to snap bye faster. Like a rubber band (sort of).
This has been a full year. Ship life gets innocuously busy. And it's gone bye very fast.
So what have I discovered? I am giving you fair warning that the next few paragraphs may be a sort of mental diarrhea (a lovely image, I know).
I have learned that the world is very big and very small. Before coming here i never had to identify myself as an "American". I had always been from Bucks County or perhaps the more global "Philadelphia". I realize as an American I am not use to thinking globally. Our country is big. Very big. And we only have two direct neighbors. I have been stereotyped by other's as "egocentric" but I really believe that much of that mindset stems from geographic location. If I grew up within a 5 hours drive of 5 other countries I would have a very different outlook. I think Canada is about a 10 hour drive away.
Living in an international community has taught me many things. Sometimes I have learned through blunders, sometimes through healthier experiences. It's made me question what I believe because it's Biblical and what I believe because it's cultural. It's made me less quick to judge others and forced me to find scriptural proof for my personal doctrines.
I realize that people are just people. Whether you are from Germany, England, Ghana, America, New Zealand, or South Africa. We need friends. We like to laugh. We enjoy good food. Little kids need there moms. Much of human nature is universal.
And yet, there are some cultural differences. I find African church over stimulating and I'm sure if a Liberian came to my church they would think no one loved Jesus because we are so mellow. There are some cultures that at first I found cold and abrasive; while I am sure they thought me loud and irresponsible.
It's been both wonderful and challenging to live with so many cultures, particularly when working on the ward. But I have found in working through those difficulties I have gained a great appreciation for my own culture as well as the world around me. It's neat to see that there is more than one correct way in most things. It has been fun to enjoy other viewpoints and other value systems. Differences should not divide; they should be celebrated. We have much to learn from each other.
And at the end of the day, we are all just brothers and sisters; children of God. One eternal family. It's the heart of God we think of one another as such. There isn't the "American" church or the "Chinese" church or the "African" church. There is the body of Christ. The family of God. Jesus prayed in John 17 that "We would be one, as You and I are One." That has a much broader meaning to me now.
During my year here I have said the same phrase more than once it friends of different nationalities,
"If we never see each other again on earth, I will see you in heaven."
How wonderful. Many of the people I have met I will never see again on earth, but we will spend eternity together.
I have learned how little I really need and how much I really have. Having only a bed and a small cupboard in a six berth cabin may sound unbearable. It really very small and sometimes is is a little frustrating to have no space that is your own. But it's really just fine. I have the Internet and air conditioning. Most of my patients didn't even have beds.
And even a studio apartment would seem large now (what? my own toilet and a sink? amazing.)
I have reinforced my strong distaste for non-governmental politics but realize they are something you probably can't ever get away from. You just have to digest the things you like and spit out what you don't.
I realize the importance of relationships. We are such relational beings. Living in an environment where people are always coming and going is really hard. And this is coming from a stone-faced cynic who never thought she "needed" people. But I do. We all do. And there is something to be said for stability in relationships. The constant "hey, where are you from..what do you..how long will you be here for...what do you like to do.." state in relationships can be exhausting. You can be very misunderstood; you have to explain yourself; there really isn't trust.
It's nice to simply be known. To speak without explaining where you are coming from. To tell a joke and know the other person will laugh (or at least won't be annoyed or offended). To have a bad day and know you will still be loved despite your gross imperfections. To verbalize frustrations and know they will just be taken at face value without any added depth or added intuition. To have the freedom to be vulnerable.
There is a real freedom in a good friend.
If I had to choose between being someone important, changing the world, or having a handful of people in my life that I really loved; I'd choose the latter.
Being "important" is not Biblical (Jesus was a man of no reputation) and Jesus has already saved the world. When I die, I hope someone will stand up and say "she was a faithful friend," of "She was a kind sister (Ben, Josh :)" of "She was a loving daughter". I think it's what most hope for but few ever actively seek out to live a life that is worthy of such an ending.
Well, I haven't learned to go to bed at a reasonable hour. But who really wants to be reasonable? I hear it's overrated.
700 hundred words to sum up a year of experiences. The thought overwhelms me which brings me to current state of procrastination.
Really, I am going to start tomorrow.
I've been slowly disengaging myself here. I stopped writing patient stories. I've been packing my bags. I've been thinking about things. There is a lot to think about.
Tonight I was reading through my blogs from when I first came here. I remember it clearly. Seeing the ship for the first time; walking up the ganging way; sarcastically refusing to have my ID photo taken after spending hours traveling (it was not the loveliest picture).
For the two weeks before I cam I couldn't eat. My GI tract always seem to be the best indicator of how I am really feeling and I was nervous. I had never really lived away from home (home being my parents house). I had never flown across the Atlantic Ocean. I didn't know anyone who was going to be on the ship. Until I heard about Mercy Ships, I had never heard of Liberia.
But I was going. And I was staying. For a year.
And now I am going again. The year has gone.
I have a theory that time is like a rubber band. When we stretch it out, it becomes longer. However, the wider you stretch it the faster it snaps back to it's original state.
I find when my weeks are full and busy, they seem longer. However, time inversely seems to snap bye faster. Like a rubber band (sort of).
This has been a full year. Ship life gets innocuously busy. And it's gone bye very fast.
So what have I discovered? I am giving you fair warning that the next few paragraphs may be a sort of mental diarrhea (a lovely image, I know).
I have learned that the world is very big and very small. Before coming here i never had to identify myself as an "American". I had always been from Bucks County or perhaps the more global "Philadelphia". I realize as an American I am not use to thinking globally. Our country is big. Very big. And we only have two direct neighbors. I have been stereotyped by other's as "egocentric" but I really believe that much of that mindset stems from geographic location. If I grew up within a 5 hours drive of 5 other countries I would have a very different outlook. I think Canada is about a 10 hour drive away.
Living in an international community has taught me many things. Sometimes I have learned through blunders, sometimes through healthier experiences. It's made me question what I believe because it's Biblical and what I believe because it's cultural. It's made me less quick to judge others and forced me to find scriptural proof for my personal doctrines.
I realize that people are just people. Whether you are from Germany, England, Ghana, America, New Zealand, or South Africa. We need friends. We like to laugh. We enjoy good food. Little kids need there moms. Much of human nature is universal.
And yet, there are some cultural differences. I find African church over stimulating and I'm sure if a Liberian came to my church they would think no one loved Jesus because we are so mellow. There are some cultures that at first I found cold and abrasive; while I am sure they thought me loud and irresponsible.
It's been both wonderful and challenging to live with so many cultures, particularly when working on the ward. But I have found in working through those difficulties I have gained a great appreciation for my own culture as well as the world around me. It's neat to see that there is more than one correct way in most things. It has been fun to enjoy other viewpoints and other value systems. Differences should not divide; they should be celebrated. We have much to learn from each other.
And at the end of the day, we are all just brothers and sisters; children of God. One eternal family. It's the heart of God we think of one another as such. There isn't the "American" church or the "Chinese" church or the "African" church. There is the body of Christ. The family of God. Jesus prayed in John 17 that "We would be one, as You and I are One." That has a much broader meaning to me now.
During my year here I have said the same phrase more than once it friends of different nationalities,
"If we never see each other again on earth, I will see you in heaven."
How wonderful. Many of the people I have met I will never see again on earth, but we will spend eternity together.
I have learned how little I really need and how much I really have. Having only a bed and a small cupboard in a six berth cabin may sound unbearable. It really very small and sometimes is is a little frustrating to have no space that is your own. But it's really just fine. I have the Internet and air conditioning. Most of my patients didn't even have beds.
And even a studio apartment would seem large now (what? my own toilet and a sink? amazing.)
I have reinforced my strong distaste for non-governmental politics but realize they are something you probably can't ever get away from. You just have to digest the things you like and spit out what you don't.
I realize the importance of relationships. We are such relational beings. Living in an environment where people are always coming and going is really hard. And this is coming from a stone-faced cynic who never thought she "needed" people. But I do. We all do. And there is something to be said for stability in relationships. The constant "hey, where are you from..what do you..how long will you be here for...what do you like to do.." state in relationships can be exhausting. You can be very misunderstood; you have to explain yourself; there really isn't trust.
It's nice to simply be known. To speak without explaining where you are coming from. To tell a joke and know the other person will laugh (or at least won't be annoyed or offended). To have a bad day and know you will still be loved despite your gross imperfections. To verbalize frustrations and know they will just be taken at face value without any added depth or added intuition. To have the freedom to be vulnerable.
There is a real freedom in a good friend.
If I had to choose between being someone important, changing the world, or having a handful of people in my life that I really loved; I'd choose the latter.
Being "important" is not Biblical (Jesus was a man of no reputation) and Jesus has already saved the world. When I die, I hope someone will stand up and say "she was a faithful friend," of "She was a kind sister (Ben, Josh :)" of "She was a loving daughter". I think it's what most hope for but few ever actively seek out to live a life that is worthy of such an ending.
Well, I haven't learned to go to bed at a reasonable hour. But who really wants to be reasonable? I hear it's overrated.
Friday, May 30, 2008
some things don't change
Bucks County, Pennsylvania. May 29, 2007. Packing to come to Liberia.
Monrovia, Liberia. May 29, 2008. Packing to go home. Well, a year in Liberia has done little to effect my style of packing.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
superhero's
Name: Hot Dog GirlSuperpower: the uncanny ability to shoot hot dogs from all ten fingers at warp speeds.
Weakness: Inability to neatly eat cucumbers.
catch phrase: "Who's Hungry?"
Name: Invisagirl
Superpower: Ability to make herself invisible at any moment.
Favorite Pastime: Singing and Dancing to synthesized karaoke songs.
Years of service: Invisigirl has been serving the people of the world for 10 years. To commemorate her service she is launching her own handbag line this fall.
Name: Underwater Ali
Superpower: Ability to breath under water
15 minutes of fame: Ali successfully captured a series of photographs proving the authenticity of the Loch Ness Monster to the relief of the concerned global community. It looks like Japan isn't Nessie's only underwater ally.
Favorite food: FuFu
Name: ShrimestopperSuperpower: Ability to freeze time.
Day Job: Surgeon.
Nemesis: Father Time.
How I am keeping myself awake on nightshift.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
staring at the sun
As we sit on the cusp of rainy season the sunsets have been enthrallingly beautiful. We have started a bit of a dock club dedicated to the sincere appreciation of the painted sky. Tonight I sat with a group of lovely nurses and we talked and laughed as the sun slowly descended into it's evening home. We discussed important things like if you could be a super hero what would be your super power (can you say Shrimestopper?), I modeled my patent leather red shoes up and down the Liberian dock (and felt quite like myself), and we learned that toy chainsaws exist. We even had our own paparazzi (a photographer form a Dallas newspaper).
It's amazing to watch the sky morph into a new strain of vibrancy with each passing second. It leaves you awestruck. It makes me wish I could somehow melt into the colorful clouds.
It was a perfect night. The company was lovely, the air warm, the laughter loud, and the scenery breathtaking.
I readily admit to being quite boring. At home I can't claim to have an amazing social calender filled with interesting things to do. I simply prefer a good cup of coffee, a beautiful night, and some good friends.
Tonight I had all three. I don't think it gets much better then that.
more sunset photos here
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
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