I realized today that it must be spring in Bucks County. It was a lovely revelation.
In two months time, my feet will again be treading upon American soil. As long as I renew my licence, purchase car insurance, and get my sitting-in-my-nana's-garage-for-a-year car to work properly, I might even be able to go for a dark summer's night drive amidst the winding roads of beautiful Bucks County.
It's hard to believe that I have been living on the ship for almost an entire year. That I actually came to Liberia. That I have served as nurse with Mercy Ships. It was my goal for two years and now it's almost fully reached. strange.
I feel that this experience has perpetrated my mildly restless soul and left me in the midst of a very strange internal dynamic. To be or not to be is not really the question. We can always be but can we truly live the lives we were created for. But I find the knowledge of that Divine intention is not revealed in a full coarse meal but rather in small, tiny bites. Daily manna if you will. Our never-quite satisfied mouths realize they find something of substance but as the taste hits our tongue it dissipates, leaving us needing a bite of something more. We are always dependent. We are easily broken. We are frail indeed.
We are incapable of ever being full satisfied while in our broken earthly state. Even in the most joyful moment we carry with us the realization that something is still terribly wrong. You don't have to look very hard to see that.
We were created for God's satisfaction and we can only find our own satisfaction when we are satisfied in His delight. So they key is to delight ourselves in God. And then as we find our hearts longing for another kingdom, a kingdom in which we will be know as we our fully known, the worries, the trials, the heartbreaks, the pain, the doubts, and the loneliness of earth begins to fade. Our goals, our dreams, our values, our ideals, our worth, our confidences and the weight of our lives become transparent in the light of eternity; and look very different then when they remained tucked away in the nooks of our desires.
I'm really happy that I will arrive home just in time to see the fireflies shine like twinkle lights my backyard; to pick the wild raspberry's that grow on the train tracks across from our neighbored; to watch my cousin get married; to see my best friend pregnant; to enjoy a summer's night with a campfire, marshmallows, a few guitars, some funny lyrics, and my brothers.
My goal would be to enjoy each day moment by moment. To not take myself too seriously. To not plan the future. To trust that all my needs will always be provided for. To learn to love God and to love others.
I think by the grace of God, we can find purpose and joy in each step. Even if don't know where they are leading.