It's after midnight and I am still awake trying to book a flight home, seeing it was on today's to do list and has not yet been completed. It's hard to believe that my time in Benin is ending in less then 12 weeks. I've crossed the midway threshold.
I feel unsettled.
When arrived in Benin, I came with a well-plotted plan for the next two years. But in the three months I've been here, things have changed. And when I say I have no idea what the future holds, I truly mean it. I'm clueless.
The scary part is that I've already gone home. I know how hard it can be to transition into "normal life" after living on a hospital ship. The scary part is that I'm a trained nurse but I really want to be a writer. I'm not sure how or if I should continue pursing that field. The scary part is I feel called to missions but I don't know where or what. And I hope I'm not called alone. Sometimes everything feels frightening.
But the good part?
Psalm 23:1 "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want."
Joshua 1:5 "...as I was with Moses, so will I be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."
Isaiah 62:11 "Behold, the Lord hath proclaimed unto the end of the world, Say ye to the daughter of Zion, Behold, they salvation cometh; behold, His reward is with Him, and His work is before Him."
To hold onto His promises, to be assured of His great love, to walk in the confidence of His plan, to take refuge in the security of His strength, and to simply be still and know that He is God.
It is refinement to the heart and the fibers from which faith is forged.
I know that He wants me heart; and He wants all of it. We often sing of surrendering all, but do we stop and ask ourselves, 'What if He wants everything?' I think He does.
But laying ourselves at His feet is never scary. In fact, His perfect love drives out all fear. It is impossible to truly taste His Love and continue hiding under the table. His Love is healing balm to the soul and honey on the tongue.
Let my heart dwell in this Love and I cannot be moved.